It's rather disconcerting, I find, when the interaction between human characters in Limbo is strikingly reminiscent of your own childhood. Less so the monolithic arachnids, though.

So apparently the Hitman: Absolution trailer is doing the rounds on the controversy circuit. I hadn't paid that much attention, because with the exception of Blood Money, I've never really given more than a glance to Hitman games. I never even completed Blood Money, which was more to do with my computer chugging away like a Bangkok prostitute every time it had to render something more graphically intense than an alleyway, than any problem with the game itself. Since then I've upgraded my PC a little, so maybe I'll finally get around to playing it through to the end soon. We'll see.

The round-about point I'm trying to make here is that I've never been hugely enamoured with the series. I won't be shaving my head and tattooing a barcode onto the back of my neck anytime soon. So how badly do you have to misstep to make even someone who only quite liked one of the games um and er about your new trailer?

Let me start by saying I tried to avoid any information about why people were up in arms about the trailer to start with. I found out it pissed people off, went and watched it and THEN read why people were pissed off about it. So I went into it not knowing what to expect and I must say I don't quite understand peoples rage. Or rather, I feel that it's somewhat misdirected.

As the trailer began I was quite intrigued by this gaggle of nuns advancing on a seedy motel, in which Agent 47 seems to be recovering from having seven shades of shit kicked out of him, so it grabbed my interest rather well right out of the gate. And then the stripper boots. "Well that's just silly," thought I "They're bloody nuns, why are they wearing hooker heels?" but I ignored it as a rather out of place design choice and thought no more of it. Similarly, with the tear drop tattoo, I felt it was a bit out of place, but I reasoned maybe she'd be revealed to have a troubled past at some point in the game, and maybe she spent some time in the hoosegow.

Then they start pulling weapons from their habits (A particularly impressive feat for the nun who pulls an RPG out. Perhaps she's got a bag of holding about her person somewhere?). "Oh. Well perhaps this isn't an altruistic visit after all." Still, a cabal of Battle Nuns showing up to off 47 seems rather fun to me. In a sort of "AC: Brotherhood multiplayer" atmosphere, you wouldn't be able to walk passed a church in the game without fear of your poor defenceless neck being garrotted. Maybe they pulled their weapons a bit too early (as in my experience if you're even carrying a weapon in a Hitman game, you might have fucked up at some point.) but screw it, maybe their thing is zealous, overcompensating rigor to the task of killing someone dead. A theme not particularly uncommon in church history, really.

And then the worst part of the trailer. The nice, mysterious battle nuns all tear off their fucking clothing, revealing that at some point in time they'd been hurled through a leather goods store by a tornado, then line up like they're auditioning for Charlie's Angels, as written and directed by Max Mosley. I understand that videogames have a rather troubled past with women, in the user base, characters, actresses and designers, but dear lord. I thought we'd stopped with this over-the-top sexualization of women in our preferred media? I doubt this particular problem will ever go away whilst "hardcore" (Chirst I hate that word.) gaming is still largely thought of as the pastime of teenaged boys with perpetual erections, but I honestly thought we'd stopped doing this particular brand of "Here is an impressive pair of melons and a nicely sculpted arse. Appreciate them and consume, puppets." bullshit that IO seems to be pulling here. With the exception of Bayonetta, but that was more of a morality piece about the dangers of grafting giraffe legs to the reanimated corpse of a prostitute than anything else. And the prostitute is a also witch. And she uses her hair as a weapon. And she uses BDSM as her finishers. And also angels are the bad guys because of reasons, no we don't have to explain them to you, go away. At least that was my take on that mess.

In the day and age when even Lara "My boobs feel BIGGER now!" Croft is looking more and more like a real woman (Albeit a highly attractive improbably proportioned woman, but baby steps fellows, at least she looks less like a certain someone you have stashed in your cupboard named "Inflatable Isabelle."), I find it a rather large step back that this particular dead horse is being wheeled out again.

And after that little tirade on how much I hate breasts, we come to the meat of my confusion foot long. Nothing introduced after this point offended me in ANY way. They open fire on the motel (Lending credence to my "Zealous, overcompensating rigor" theory), then 47 proceeds to defend himself, by doing what he does best. Picking them off like after eight mints until only two remain. I've heard people describe it as misogynistic, but I have trouble seeing how. Lest we forget these fetish nuns are the aggressors here. Maybe 47 stole the charity box for orphans before this, or something, but they still took the fight to him. Also, these women are aren't exaclty helpless. They fight back once they realise they're under attack, and seem to have the upper hand at times. 47 comes out on top, but it's bloody close. Maybe had they been wearing something sensible they would have had the freedom of movement to win. One person sited the "backwards head-butt nose breaking" as a particularly woman hating part, but I highly doubt ANY of this would have come up if the nuns had been priests. The leather fetish gear may have rubbed me up the wrong way again, but for entirely different reasons.

Yes, it's violent gratification for the sake of violence, but that's what ALL action scenes are, at their heart. You watch a car chase scene for the near misses and innocent soccer moms who go careening when the villain shoots out their tires, in the same way you watch a fight scene for the bloody fighting. I really do not understand why this trailer has raised more eyebrows with it's "man fighting women" angle than the "Slut Nuns" angle. Maybe it's because we're all desensitized to it by this point but it's just so out of place to me. Like a t-rex lumbering through a garden party at Buckingham palace. It's an ancient relic, a hook from the past that deserves to stay there.

I'll admit that there are certain designers who get way with this sort of thing in my eyes. Suda51's newest offering for example, for two reasons. 1) I've come to expect this type of thing from him. When other developers pull the "bazongas" card out of their arse, I tut and shake my head, but when he does it, I'll ruffle his hair and sigh good-naturedly. "Ah, you incorrigible scamp, Suda 51!" I'll say as he skips away, the hand of a buxom, lollypop sucking, miniskirt wearing cheerleader in one hand, a particularly phallic gun in the other, and 2) Because he made Killer 7. This gets him quite a few passes from me, as well as perhaps a reach around if we ever meet at a convention.

I'm aware that weighing in about this trailer (Or this vice of gaming at all really) holds all the significance of piddling in the big blue, but I found it really weird to see people reacting this way. Especially when there's another... well, two other giant problems staring you down in this trailer. If you feel you can explain it to me, or want to point out all the ways that I must have a pathological hatred of the fairer sex, or offer me advice on the proper etiquette of handling game designer junk, please feel free to do just that in the comments.

Oiski Poiski.

The only man whose boner ever burnt down a city. (That we know of.)

Curse you all, my boner requires more Nana to Kaoru!

Additional; Ichi the Killer is HILARIOUS.

Books by dead authors and some who are living,
Feelings of happiness, having and giving,
Cute little submissives tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Shiny new red die, mostly twenty sided,
Used mostly in games through which you will be guided,
C.o.C, D&D, GURPS and Rifts too,
These are the games that will make you uncool.

Girls in white dresses with arms bound behind them,
Hunting through game stores for mostly unknown gems,
Watching films filled with men who use big swords,
Laughing as Robert Baratheon's gored.

When the orc crits, when the sith strikes,
When Hastur is called,
I sit here and think of my favourite things,
Pastimes that keep me
Enthralled.

Have some music ya ingrates.

And lastly something from Mr. Alex Day, because half of my guy-love goes to him and Charlie. The other half being reserved for sirs Patrick-harris and Fillion.

I'm still technically alive!